he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
