I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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