You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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