I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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