Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
