What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
