i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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