It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
