u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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