apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I need a beard to bite.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
