i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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