I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
