in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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