Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
