I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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