the condom got lost in my hair
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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