Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
