My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
