did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
