I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
