Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
