My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
