my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize