Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
