Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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