i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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