yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
