I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
