Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize