The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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