Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
