If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
