first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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