someone threw a dead crab at me
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
