I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
