Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize