She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
