John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
