I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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