you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
