why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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