dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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