The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize