Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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