call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
