And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
