Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
