i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
