i dont even know how to be here
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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