i think i have herpe
just one?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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