I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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