Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
