How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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