you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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