I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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