You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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