Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We are two peas in an std pod
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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