So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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