isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i think my cat just said my name.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
