we have pet lesbian snakes
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up under a house in Key West
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